Dear Reader Friends,
I have a long distance friendship with one of the world’s most beautiful spirits who lives in Oregon.  We share the most intimate pieces of our lives.  Knowing my parents passed away fairly recently and knowing she can tell me anything and knowing I will be honest and support her and her faith, I received a letter outlining the pain of not being able to get the care her Mother needs after a serious stroke.  Her wealthy step-father has cut off communication and won’t get additonal therapy for her Mom.  Here’s my answer, both pragmatic and spiritual.  May it speak to you if you have found this for the same reasons.  Blessings to all.

Oh my, dear Friend,
Here’s the pragmatic part:  Get a lawyer in your Mom’s state.  The reason I say that is laws vary.  In Indiana, half of his money is hers and she has a right to it.  On the other hand, if she appointed him her health representative, he may be able to make any choice he wishes.  If you can prove that he is mistreating her or refusing her treatment that would make a difference, you can go (still best with an attorney, in my opinion; sounds like he packs some weight) to Adult Protective Services and file a complaint against him.  I think you can actually make an anonymous complaint.  Either that or they would keep you anonymous.  They would investigate and, if finding her maltreated, take away his powers and assign them to the court.  The downside of this is that it can tear apart the family if that hasn’t already happened.  It’s always hard to know if the invalid will live long enough to reap the benefits of this action.  In addition, the court-ordered guardian may move too slowly for your taste.  Another good reason for legal advice.  If you haven’t, you can make an appointment with her physicians, specialists as well as family doctors who view life differently than specialists, and get a written prescription for additional therapy along with a note stating the potential benefits to her as related to her case.  That would support action against your step-father.  I do believe your step-father cannot come between you and your Mother.  That may be another issue for an attorney, and it may be the one that causes him the most grief legally.  What I have told you may not be true for her state, but it is the basis for some very important questions to be answered.

My Mom also couldn’t speak for herself…I don’t know when I have felt so impotent as when I just wanted to help Mother.  It has taken me until just recently (she died in Jan) to get over the pain of not being able to make her more comfortable or read her mind or make all that shitty stuff just go away so she could pass on.  

Here’s the answer:  (You are going to hate me for this.)  You have to assume that this stuff that makes no sense and eats your insides out is in her best interests.  I mean YOU MUST Assume that you don’t know what she needs to pass into the next dimension.  Now, I know that if anyone knows, it is you.  Nevertheless…you have to give up the idea that you know what is best for her and what the outcome would be under other circumstances.  And, furthermore (if you didn’t hate me before, you will now.), you Must Assume that she and your step-father have a contract to behave in certain ways to clear her karma so she has peace when she leaves.  And you Must Assume that your step-father is doing the absolute best he can under the circumstances.  And when you get so crazy you can’t stand another minute, you can call me and rail and wail.  So the trick is to get from goddammit to peace in as little time as possible.  You will have to do that over and over, sometimes more than once a day.  If you linger, like I did sometimes, you give away all your power and drain yourself so you can’t be of any service to her or anyone else, especially you and your honey.  

My whole challenge in life is to get to acceptance and peace more quickly.  I just didn’t take the time away from caregiving to take care of myself.  Most people think that means go to the gym or eat well or take a walk or love your husband.  What that really means is go to God and be there, just be there, knowing you are God and God is you and everything is in Divine Order even though it feels like it sucks your life away.  Have a big cry, throw some stones in the lake, smile, get up and call your Mother’s home.  They can hold the phone up so she can hear you tell her how much you love her and how much you want to be with her every moment.  Then promise you will call again soon and tell her to rest well. 

Now, as far as your step-father goes, the only way you can get support from him is if you support him.  Perhaps you can call him and acknowledge you guys are at odds.  Tell him you know how much he loves your Mom and  how much you have always thought of him so you know there are good reasons why he is making the choices he is.  Ask him what he knows that would be helpful to you in understanding how you can be behind him during these difficult times.  Lie if necessary.  Ask him how you can help him.  Call or text him every couple of weeks or less just to say ‘I’m thinking of you and am here for you.’  That puts you in The Big Person role.  You will always be proud of yourself for having done so.  And, you will also be doing it for your Mom, who needs both of you in her life. 

I love you too.



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